Finding Beetletrunk

Date nights without the kids are fairly rare. We just don't seem to know enough people with the availability or fortitude to watch the kids long enough for us to have a regular night to ourselves, but occasionally we do get one. Deciding what to do is always the hard part for these outings though. We never have enough time to go to a movie or a concert or an all night discotheque, so usually it's just dinner and some light shopping (we're not shopping for lights, we are just not buying heavy things). Where we usually end up is that strange place between heaven and hell, that weird gap in reality that fits between dusk and night. No, not purgatory (but close), it's the ubiquitous second hand store.


I have an intense love/hate relationship with second hand stores. You can find both the most amazingly absurd things and the most revoltingly disturbing things. Rarely, however do you find a good deal on anything remotely useful. Or sanitary. Oftentimes I feel like I need an entire bottle of hand sanitizer as well as a dozen tetanus shots when i walk out of one of these places. My allergies are always completely out of control, and most times I think I actually have a low fever, just from the exposure to "merchandise". Regardless, I will brave the biological consequences and brave these places with my wife. Both of us equally intense and focused but for entirely different reasons. While she is browsing for the rare deal, a diamond in the rough, I'm looking for the most vile unwanted fragment of nightmare that has somehow found it's way to the shelves, mostly due to a loved ones death. That Pillsbury Doughboy cookie jar was most likely sitting on Great Aunt Eunices' shelf for 20 years, so technically it still has plenty of miles left on it. It also probably has 15 year old sugar free candy in it too (bonus!). This latest trip did not disappoint, however what did disappoint was the battery life on my iPhone. I was only able to capture two regretful images before it tapped out. Hmmm, I wonder if the subject matter forced the phone to check out for the evening. I guess I don't really blame it and would probably do the same thing in it's place.

The first item submitted for your approval:



Ok, so this might not actually be Santa. There were no Christmas markings, no bells, no red or green. Just a bearded face, with a moderately peeved expression. Just an angry bearded face with an open skull ready for your beverage of choice. I wonder if this vessel ever had a lid, something that would have made it make more sense, but alas this particular unit did not. I could totally see buying this if I had ever had a disappointing Christmas, where perhaps I didnt get the exact Transformer I wanted. I suppose I would feel like I had to pluck Santa's round whiskered melon from his jolly rotund body, and hollow out the dome for purposes of drinking Hot Chocolate or maybe Clamato (for effect of course, I can't imagine that junk would actually taste good). But I don't feel like that and have no idea why this mug was ever crafted. Maybe it's not even a mug, there's no handle... nevermind, I can't waste thinking about this thing for even another second. There's something much worse to waste my brain cells on...


The next item I'm fairly sure drove the nail into the coffin on my phone battery. The proverbial "last straw", in other words, the greates offense:



Sweet God in his heaven, where do I start with this? I'm fairly certain this thing wasn't there when i first walked past the shelf. Only after hearing what sounded like far away screams of torment, I turned and saw a dark swirling mist dissipate, and in it's place was left this morbid relic of failure, dejection, desparation, and disappointment. I didn't actually attempt to handle this item, better judgement won out. Sensing it's danger I studied it from a safe distance, and let the camera take the beating. I have no idea what sort of fey runes were engraved on the bottom, perhaps a makers mark or at least the name of the soul no doubt trapped within this thing. I'm sure you all are feeling a barrage of emotions at just seeing photographic evidence of this item, well imagine what you are feeling and multiply it by a thousand and thats just scratching the surface of what i had to deal with. I'll try to ignore the philosophical, nay metaphysical ramifications of this item and focus solely on it's outward appearance. for all intents and purposes it appears to be a dispenser for something. By the "maid" shape from which the filthy pump springs, I would guess that one would use it for soap or some sort of cleansing product. This one however, was used for no such thing. As you can see from the running stains on the poor figures face and body, a darker more malevolent fluid was housed within. I cannot speculate as to what, but I'm fairly sure that it was both volatile and lethal. Focusing on the figure itself, a more depressing, life-worn personage, I could not have imagined. The grey filthy water in her bucket indicates the fruitless hours of toiling on floors that could not hope to ever be clean. Her pallid visage indicates the hours spent closeted away from sunlight, fresh air, or happiness. Like the Santa? Mug, I doubt we'll ever know the true purpose, origin, or alchemical properties of this item, all I know is, i wouldnt have bought either if you paid me.

All in all, a fairly successful trip, I do not believe we bought anything, of note, well except for the old funeral urn and the broken vcr (I couldnt help myself). Overall, I'm looking forward to our next trip down second hand lane, I'll just need to remember to charge my iPhone first. And get vaccinations.