Finding Beetletrunk

Come one! Come all! Bring your paychecks, bring your savings, bring that big jar of coins you keep under your bed! Come with me on an adventure to the second best place to take a huge wad of singles (i'll let you guess the first).  Bring your hand sanitizer, bring your tetanus shots, bring your pepper spray, because things are about to get wild.



Twenty bucks can go a loooong way here.  This was a legit "everything is a dollar" type of place, not a bait and switch $5 $10 item store.  Nope, everything in here was exactly ONE DOLLAR. I like to walk in and go right to the middle of the store and do a 360 degree turn, just to take it all in before I get "to work".  Just soaking in all of the possibilities. I just don't see how can they possibly sell such great stuff for only a dollar!  You could legitimately do all of your shopping here.  They have everything from health care products to perishable foods.  Under garments to dvds.  Greeting cards to toys.  Everything.  So before browsing the shelves for the "must have" dolla items, I made sure to charge iPhone's battery so we wouldnt have a repeat of the 2nd hand store fiasco.











The hair and seemingly scalp all over this thing indicates that someone knew their bloody work, and performed it effectively. I would have called the cops, but I don't like to get involved.

As I've talked about here and here, mindless spam bots that troll our facebook or browsing history or whatever, usually provide us the best information and advice.  I mean, they have to have these things honed so finely otherwise it would just be spitting meaningless nonesense at us all the time right?  Well, I'm worried that the facebook bot (facebot?) has missed it's mark again.  In fact I think it could definitely use a tune up....



I understand that there is probably a "market" for this type of ad, I also know that I do not fall into it.  However, I cannot help but be somewhat interested in the mechanics of this service.  Does seniorpeoplemeet spend the extra time to teach their clients how to "Browse pics, videos, or text chat"?  Has anyone tried to teach their Mom or  even their Grammaw the basics of text chat?!  Forget it!  Can you imagine what a debacle the webcam would be?

Thanks but no thanks facebot - keep trying.  Oh and by the way you are batting 000 as far as the "recommended friends" thing goes.

I can however, think of three guys though, who would be all over this service:

From time to time I like to turn the magnifying glass upon myself. Those who know me, know that for the most part I do not take myself at all seriously (how can I, if I don't take anyone else seriously?). I'm pretty up front with my flaws and faults and failures. My life is an open book (blog). To support this, I've dug quite a few treasures out of the old scrap book of random stuff saved by my Mom and exposed them on this blog. It's kinda carthartic in a self abusing sort of way. But honestly, this stuff is so dang funny, I can't keep it to myself, I must continue to share it with (bore) you. Actually, this stuff might not really be funny to anyone else, but that is the risk I take every time i set font to text field. I don't really care though, those who know me, also understand that I'm fairly insensitive to the humor needs of others. If it's funny to me, thats all I care about.

This episode of the 'trunk details exactly *how* I got into and through the grueling stage of life known as Kindergarten. After writing this whole thing out, it turned out to be too long, so instead of forcing the two people who actually read this into sitting through my tedious ramblings in one sitting, I have decided to break it up into two parts. Expect a *major* cliffhanger at the end of this post. If (either of) you get through this one and find the content so mundane, feel free to tap out. I certainly would.

Date nights without the kids are fairly rare. We just don't seem to know enough people with the availability or fortitude to watch the kids long enough for us to have a regular night to ourselves, but occasionally we do get one. Deciding what to do is always the hard part for these outings though. We never have enough time to go to a movie or a concert or an all night discotheque, so usually it's just dinner and some light shopping (we're not shopping for lights, we are just not buying heavy things). Where we usually end up is that strange place between heaven and hell, that weird gap in reality that fits between dusk and night. No, not purgatory (but close), it's the ubiquitous second hand store.


I have an intense love/hate relationship with second hand stores. You can find both the most amazingly absurd things and the most revoltingly disturbing things. Rarely, however do you find a good deal on anything remotely useful. Or sanitary. Oftentimes I feel like I need an entire bottle of hand sanitizer as well as a dozen tetanus shots when i walk out of one of these places. My allergies are always completely out of control, and most times I think I actually have a low fever, just from the exposure to "merchandise". Regardless, I will brave the biological consequences and brave these places with my wife. Both of us equally intense and focused but for entirely different reasons. While she is browsing for the rare deal, a diamond in the rough, I'm looking for the most vile unwanted fragment of nightmare that has somehow found it's way to the shelves, mostly due to a loved ones death. That Pillsbury Doughboy cookie jar was most likely sitting on Great Aunt Eunices' shelf for 20 years, so technically it still has plenty of miles left on it. It also probably has 15 year old sugar free candy in it too (bonus!). This latest trip did not disappoint, however what did disappoint was the battery life on my iPhone. I was only able to capture two regretful images before it tapped out. Hmmm, I wonder if the subject matter forced the phone to check out for the evening. I guess I don't really blame it and would probably do the same thing in it's place.

The first item submitted for your approval:



Ok, so this might not actually be Santa. There were no Christmas markings, no bells, no red or green. Just a bearded face, with a moderately peeved expression. Just an angry bearded face with an open skull ready for your beverage of choice. I wonder if this vessel ever had a lid, something that would have made it make more sense, but alas this particular unit did not. I could totally see buying this if I had ever had a disappointing Christmas, where perhaps I didnt get the exact Transformer I wanted. I suppose I would feel like I had to pluck Santa's round whiskered melon from his jolly rotund body, and hollow out the dome for purposes of drinking Hot Chocolate or maybe Clamato (for effect of course, I can't imagine that junk would actually taste good). But I don't feel like that and have no idea why this mug was ever crafted. Maybe it's not even a mug, there's no handle... nevermind, I can't waste thinking about this thing for even another second. There's something much worse to waste my brain cells on...


The next item I'm fairly sure drove the nail into the coffin on my phone battery. The proverbial "last straw", in other words, the greates offense:



Sweet God in his heaven, where do I start with this? I'm fairly certain this thing wasn't there when i first walked past the shelf. Only after hearing what sounded like far away screams of torment, I turned and saw a dark swirling mist dissipate, and in it's place was left this morbid relic of failure, dejection, desparation, and disappointment. I didn't actually attempt to handle this item, better judgement won out. Sensing it's danger I studied it from a safe distance, and let the camera take the beating. I have no idea what sort of fey runes were engraved on the bottom, perhaps a makers mark or at least the name of the soul no doubt trapped within this thing. I'm sure you all are feeling a barrage of emotions at just seeing photographic evidence of this item, well imagine what you are feeling and multiply it by a thousand and thats just scratching the surface of what i had to deal with. I'll try to ignore the philosophical, nay metaphysical ramifications of this item and focus solely on it's outward appearance. for all intents and purposes it appears to be a dispenser for something. By the "maid" shape from which the filthy pump springs, I would guess that one would use it for soap or some sort of cleansing product. This one however, was used for no such thing. As you can see from the running stains on the poor figures face and body, a darker more malevolent fluid was housed within. I cannot speculate as to what, but I'm fairly sure that it was both volatile and lethal. Focusing on the figure itself, a more depressing, life-worn personage, I could not have imagined. The grey filthy water in her bucket indicates the fruitless hours of toiling on floors that could not hope to ever be clean. Her pallid visage indicates the hours spent closeted away from sunlight, fresh air, or happiness. Like the Santa? Mug, I doubt we'll ever know the true purpose, origin, or alchemical properties of this item, all I know is, i wouldnt have bought either if you paid me.

All in all, a fairly successful trip, I do not believe we bought anything, of note, well except for the old funeral urn and the broken vcr (I couldnt help myself). Overall, I'm looking forward to our next trip down second hand lane, I'll just need to remember to charge my iPhone first. And get vaccinations.

Well, I just finished my court mandated prison sentence for the unlawful neglect of a blog. Now that I'm back "on the street", my Parole Officer (who's a total hardass) will be checking in with me to make sure I make good and completely rehabilitate. I could claim that the dates on the blogs are all wrong and that it's only been like 6 days since the last blog but no one would buy it at this point.