I hate being Billy Zane
Posted by s2 | Labels: 80's, Billy Zane, embarrassment, love | Posted On Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 8:28 AM
I found another item from the scrapbook that I absolutely had to waste web space on. Once again, I am not sure WHY i saved the things I did, but boy am I glad that I did. In retrospect it appears that the things I saved were the most embarrassing or painful relics of an otherwise happyish childhood. Regardless, I am glad I did, since the more embarrassing or the more painful the item or memory, the more amusing it is to me now as an adult.
So remember how on valentines day in elementary school you had to give everyone a card? I assume this so that some of the more unpopular kids would not feel left out. Well, what I don't think teachers understood was that this little self-esteem building exercise could certainly misfire, despite their best attempts. At best you could expect a nice "To: SoAndSo From: Whoevertheirnamewas" At worst something like "youre gross" (i never got that one though, lets be clear). Well, today I'm going to examine a card that didn't fit in either category. I suppose it fell somewhere in between, but hit a lot harder than "your gross"(seriously though, I wasn't). Ok, so I don't remember alot of details behind what went into this card, so where I have memory gaps, I will just fill with embellishment. As usual.
nice
I suppose when I first pulled this card from its flimsy paper envelope I was awestruck. I really really loved dinosaurs as a kid, in fact I may have a dinosaur story to share in a future installment. But srsly, I loved em. I suppose only second to my love of dinosaurs was my love of the sexy stylings of the saxophone. So you could imagine my heart racing when I pulled this gem out. At this point I had no idea who it was from, but I could only imagine that it was from my soul mate. Really, who else gives you a sax playing dino card on v-day but someone who not only gets you, but loves you. I think the purple vest and the matching purple sneakers (with heart emblem) was a classy touch, and not only is it a reflection of the spirit of the 80's but also the impeccable fashion sense of an R&B dinosaur. What kind of dinosaur is that even? An Allosaur? Not to digress too much, but do the people at Gibson Grigs want us to think that this is a contemporary dinosaur living today, or was the saxophone invented in the late Jurassic period?
The final point I would like to make about the front of the card is the message. "You're 1st Class". Wow. Ever travel in 1st class? If you have then you know how heavy that statement really is. I mean, it doesn't get any better than 1st class. 2nd class is nothing to complain about, but 1st class? And to employ a teal sax playing dino to convey that message...shit, thats practically a marriage proposal.
In my greatest moment of triumph, carried on a swell of awe and emotion I turn the card around to see who my mysterious worshiper could possibly be:
*gasp*
Oh how wicked the fates can be. What foul demon contrived this little bit of torture? Why raise a man (ok, 10 year old boy) to such heights only to throw him down on the bitter rocks below?! This was the ultimate "F you".
I believe I can remember some of this at least. I remember I had a "girlfriend" in 5th grade (what a wild year). You know when you say you are "boyfriend-girlfriend" but don't even hold hands, yet somehow the moniker meant something at that age? Well it did...for some reason. I remember Ann being "girlfriend" with alot of guys back then. I suppose I was just a stepping stone on the way to bigger and better things. Things like Dermano Garcia. Who, to be completely fair had one of those cool Michael Jackson Thriller jackets. That went along way back then.
So remember how on valentines day in elementary school you had to give everyone a card? I assume this so that some of the more unpopular kids would not feel left out. Well, what I don't think teachers understood was that this little self-esteem building exercise could certainly misfire, despite their best attempts. At best you could expect a nice "To: SoAndSo From: Whoevertheirnamewas" At worst something like "youre gross" (i never got that one though, lets be clear). Well, today I'm going to examine a card that didn't fit in either category. I suppose it fell somewhere in between, but hit a lot harder than "your gross"(seriously though, I wasn't). Ok, so I don't remember alot of details behind what went into this card, so where I have memory gaps, I will just fill with embellishment. As usual.
niceI suppose when I first pulled this card from its flimsy paper envelope I was awestruck. I really really loved dinosaurs as a kid, in fact I may have a dinosaur story to share in a future installment. But srsly, I loved em. I suppose only second to my love of dinosaurs was my love of the sexy stylings of the saxophone. So you could imagine my heart racing when I pulled this gem out. At this point I had no idea who it was from, but I could only imagine that it was from my soul mate. Really, who else gives you a sax playing dino card on v-day but someone who not only gets you, but loves you. I think the purple vest and the matching purple sneakers (with heart emblem) was a classy touch, and not only is it a reflection of the spirit of the 80's but also the impeccable fashion sense of an R&B dinosaur. What kind of dinosaur is that even? An Allosaur? Not to digress too much, but do the people at Gibson Grigs want us to think that this is a contemporary dinosaur living today, or was the saxophone invented in the late Jurassic period?
The final point I would like to make about the front of the card is the message. "You're 1st Class". Wow. Ever travel in 1st class? If you have then you know how heavy that statement really is. I mean, it doesn't get any better than 1st class. 2nd class is nothing to complain about, but 1st class? And to employ a teal sax playing dino to convey that message...shit, thats practically a marriage proposal.
In my greatest moment of triumph, carried on a swell of awe and emotion I turn the card around to see who my mysterious worshiper could possibly be:
*gasp*Oh how wicked the fates can be. What foul demon contrived this little bit of torture? Why raise a man (ok, 10 year old boy) to such heights only to throw him down on the bitter rocks below?! This was the ultimate "F you".
I believe I can remember some of this at least. I remember I had a "girlfriend" in 5th grade (what a wild year). You know when you say you are "boyfriend-girlfriend" but don't even hold hands, yet somehow the moniker meant something at that age? Well it did...for some reason. I remember Ann being "girlfriend" with alot of guys back then. I suppose I was just a stepping stone on the way to bigger and better things. Things like Dermano Garcia. Who, to be completely fair had one of those cool Michael Jackson Thriller jackets. That went along way back then.
One jacket to rule them all...
I don't really blame her. I didn't have much to offer besides like jelly bracelets. Dermano had the jacket. It was the ultimate trump card. I should know better than to go against that. However, apparently back then I didn't. From the tone of the card, it appears that I was pleading my case, trying to win back what I had lost to the jacket. I guess the subtle hints were lost on me (I went on to display a lifetime pattern of missing subtle hints). Her ONLY option was to end it in a clear/cruel fashion in the only medium she had left. The Valentines day card. While the message may have been a tad harsh, I do respect her conviction. It's rare that people know what they want so quickly, that they refuse to give it up for anything. It's a gift. She knew what she had with Dermano.
She started with an apology, which I believe does convey that there is some warmth there. She understood better than I did, that it just couldn't work out. She probably tried her best to let me down easily, but sometimes the straight approach is needed. What she didn't need to do was add two exclamation points. I would have got the message with a period. One exclamation point might sting, two...well that's a stomach punch.
I suck.
She started with an apology, which I believe does convey that there is some warmth there. She understood better than I did, that it just couldn't work out. She probably tried her best to let me down easily, but sometimes the straight approach is needed. What she didn't need to do was add two exclamation points. I would have got the message with a period. One exclamation point might sting, two...well that's a stomach punch.
I never knew what became of Dermano, he moved a short time later, no doubt taking Ann's heart with him. Probably in one of the many zipper compartments on the jacket. I believe Ann recovered, but I'm sure she never forgot Dermano and what he meant to her for that brief torrid time in 1987. I know I haven't. It's just like Titanic if you think about it...and apparently I'm the Billy Zane guy. I really hate being Billy Zane.
I suck.
admit it, you are going to show up to your next high school reunion wearing the Thriller jacket.
"What's up now Anna?! Yeah that's what I thought....."
Forget the thriller jacket...i want the one from the cover of the Bad album. Now THATS the shit.
see I always giggle whenever I see that cover because all I think about is Weird Al's Fat album
This is a dirty secret, but I was soooo into Weird Al from like 1988-1992. After that...meh. But yeah, I pretty much wore that tape out.
Dude, I need to get a hold of one of those. 80s party coming up too. Need a clue.
Wow you got it. Being Billy Zane in any way just sucks... I mean, I can't actually remember some name for the female Billy Zane but what the hell... It just sucks.
Thank you!!!!!! you made me laugh. I loved it.